Three60 is a sleep-destroyer tool made out of crumpled up and twisted paper. Perhaps the twisting is where it got its name from as, you see, twisting is an integral function of this horrible, horrible thing; it being required in its application as well, when you insert the Three60 into your sleeping victim’s nose or ear. The reflex response by the sensitive body part is a sensation straight from hell, and your victim should rapidly jump up from sleep and rub the afflicted organ vehemently as his whole homoeostasis is imbalanced and shall never be regained for the whole of that night – all thanks to you and your bloody Three60. This would generally make you an ass-hole, and for exactly this reason, it caught up in my boarding school.
I was at home for the weekend when Three60 was introduced into the school. Of course, because of its cruel nature, it caught up so fast that it was quite the sensation even in its induction period.
So much so that by the time I was back in school on Sunday, I was very immediately a victim of it.
It was my cousin Biggy who was guilty of this heinous crime. I was reading a novel on my lap as usual, resting my head on the desk. As it was my first time and it was so unexpected, the sensation was so intense that my body jumped completely and the book fell with a very loud sound. Because it was prep hour, and the classroom was so silent, this made everything so resounding, and the whole class snorted its way through the rest of prep, with Biggy barely containing his laughter.
I took it very badly. Not only did I chop Biggy’s head off, but I set off on a mission for revenge, and recruited the very formidable Nasman and The Bad Man as my allies.
The combined evil of my two allies meant that the revenge operation took a whole different turn altogether, and the Three60 we started making quickly turned out into something much more experimental and, frankly, disgusting. We knew Biggy opened his mouth wide and shut his eyes when he laughed, so we engaged him in a funny story and inserted it into his mouth. Shudder…
This little episode did not mean that I had finally overcome Three60. No! Things were just warming up. Very soon, everyone became such an active Three60 inflicter and, in turn, victim, that it became a normal part of nightlife. And the regular targets, such as I, developed quite a tolerance for it. So much so that to some, its application merely made them moan softly in sleep and turn over. Defence mechanisms began to sprout about, and very soon, people began to put avoidance of Three60 over other priorities like breathing, and began to sleep with blankets and pillows firmly over their heads.
As a creative bunch of students, we began to be inventive in improving our marquee product. Supplementary products began to be developed, and perhaps the best of those was the Three60 wallet. You see, its inventors, M&K, who had introduced Three60 itself, had identified a flaw in the product. Quite simply, consumers had different nose and ear sizes, and for all the Three60s you had to carry in one operation, you needed a portable storage equipment, and also a measure for gauging the Three60 to the nose or ear. This created not only convenience for the operator, but also ensured maximum sensation for the victim. M&K, revolutionaries as they were, trialled this themselves. Lots of pissed off students later, it proved a huge success.
New ways of applying Three60s began to be considered. Of the particularly memorable were the toothpaste or Vaseline system. This involved applying a generous amount of toothpaste on the victim’s hand, and then applying the 360. The result reached new levels of hilarity (and annoyance). A particularly funny episode was when my friend Shim laughed so hard on one operation night with me and Nasman he grew tired and went to sleep. The look of resignation and dismay on his face after he woke up and realised he had just furiously applied toothpaste on his nose was rather priceless.
But even funnier was the use of Vaseline. The thing with Vaseline is, the victims look so shiny and pissed off when they wake up it’s impossible not to laugh. And if they decide to sleep on, the heat alone ruins the night for them. We had considered all avenues of satisfying the customer!
Now, you know I am a humanitarian, and would never do anything to place my fellow students under any inconvenience. But perhaps it was I, along with Nasman, Elemeen, and Barde, who created the most lethal form of 360. Seriously, it was Tony Starks stuff. In fact, it was Tony Starks meets Bill Gates meets fucking Edison, meets Osama bin Laden!!
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, we invented the Mechanical Three60. We delivered Three60 into the machine age. I can’t be sure who came up with the idea, but I think it was me. I do remember it was on a night in which we all lay hours past bed-time, discussing about how we could embark on the most monumental Three60 operation.
Elemeen and I had the necessary technology; the two of us had those electric toothbrushes we bought on the previous summer’s school excursion. We simply replaced the head of the toothbrushes with tenderly fitted Three60s and the results were phenomenal. We launched them in spectacular fashion as well, and our first victim was this kid in our room whose last words before he drifted to sleep was a plea accompanied by nervous laughter for us not to Three60 him.
He stood no chance.
The four of us loomed over his bed, Elemeen and I with our Mechanical Three60s, Barde and Nasman with the conventional ones, and simultaneously applied it to each of his nasal and and aural orifices. Now I will tell you, no living human being could take this amount of horrific torture, and I sure am glad I never had to experience it myself.
The poor kid bawled out crying, it was too much to take. He wept silently even after we had retreated to our positions, giggling and snorting rather loudly. See, that’s the thing with Three60. If it’s applied in the dark and the inflicter is well skilled in the art of retreat you could never know who did you, and would be understandably pissed at everyone present in equal measure. (A good example of revenge under these circumstances is the way I handled me and Nasman’s rather intense and somewhat dangerous Three60 feud, perhaps a story for another day).
Anyway, we were very cautious that night, and waited patiently for our victim to fall back to sleep before we made our next move. We decided we needed to take our new invention and system beyond our room and out to hostels beyond. We stole into the next room and applied it to my cousin Walter.
It had the same effect on the poor fella. See, the horror feeling of it all is enough to make your brain combust in one painfully ticklish instant. Walter’s loud bawl reverberated into the night, and because it woke others up, I chose it as the best time for retreat.
At this point, I urged my colleagues to do the same. We had our fun, we had invented possibly one of the world’s most terrible torture devices, we should be proud and satisfied. But they didn’t listen! It was like I underestimated the purity of their evil. I had created monsters!
Suffice to say we got in trouble, and the next day we were reported to school authorities and had a meeting with our class teacher, along with Supervisor and our House Master. Nasman and Elemeen were favourites of the first two, and were never really going to get punished, so they gave away all the info, perhaps in the hope that Barde and I would suffer serious ramifications. Remarkably, the “authorities” found the whole episode almost as funny as we did, and it was swept under the carpet.
Those were truly the heights of Three60 days. There were other great moments, but for me none quite lived up to the Mechanical Three60, my grand contribution to humanity.
Ah… I hate my life.
[And if you saw the title of this post, thinking it was about the XBox 360, you are truly a geek and should hate yours too.]